Ups and Downs

“pray I’ll never learn from mistakes I’ve made”


     Lost my friends more times than I can count. Seen how two-faced people can be. I have trusted every bit of information to whom I called my friends, only to find out how the backstab feels.
     And only due to that I’ve seen who really stands by my side. No matter what I do. Groups of people polarized out of the chaos around. Those who have seen all of my mistakes and yet, have let me repeat them again, and again, and again. And never judged me for it. I could never be more grateful to them for that.
     Only by the experience of both ups and downs, I could have the essential experience. No matter how many advices you get, no matter how many tips you hear, it is worth absolutely nothing if you do not have experience of both the good and the bad.
     Chinese philosophy of yin-yang describes how contrary forces are complementary, and interdependent in the natural world. They give rise to each other. The bad lets you feel the good and vice versa. Life is never black, or white, it’s both. It is a duality.
     So many people are so afraid to lose, they never let themselves do it. And exactly by doing that, they have no idea how much they lack in life. Succeeding in every aspect of your life, you never lose. And you go on about your life, scared of really living.
     Personally for me, life is not about reaching a certain point, which is so often defined by successful job post, house of your dreams, a car, holidays with your family every year on a nice beach in Europe. This is the laziest, most superficial interpretation of the success in life.
     If anything, success to me is to reach a point where you are no longer afraid of failure. Because this is the point when you start to actually live.

Integrity follow up.

Strangely liberating when you do not wish for anything, when you do not expect anything or hope for.

When you have nothing to wait for and the presence becomes your only reality, there’s that feeling of positive apathy, so to not to say ‘calmness’ – which would not exactly reflect what I finally, gladly, and surprisingly have started experiencing now.

Started with integrity. Cleared out everything with everyone. Let my life out in the open. Allowed all people around me to know everything about my life. Told them every bit of truth and alongside that mastered how to lie.

Started being accurate in wording and articulate in speech. Started to listen more, instead of speaking. Started asking, inquiring, remembering what people tell me.

Started doing only what feels right in the moment. I followed every impulse. Listened to intuition with my whole mind, heart, and the so called sixth sense. I made mistakes. I admitted them. Started saying sorry to people (more like ‘sorey’ as an effect of Aberdeen Scottishifying me though).

Then, “Hygge” came by itself.

They claim to walk unafraid, I’ll be clumsy instead.

– First Aid Kit, “Walk unafraid

I won’t take the easy road.

– First Aid Kit, “My Silver Lining

Every path is the right path. Everything could be everything else and would have just as much meaning.

Mr. Nobody [2009], Jaco van Dormael