Suspension

     You surely know how some people ‘click’ together easily. From a point of meeting them you realize you two are talking effortlessly and with every conversation becoming more interesting to each other. You like them right away. Your conversations are completely different than ‘normal’. Topics that you speak about are definitely extraordinary, and you can find a topic within other topic, digging into the subject, forgetting what you were discussing in the first place.

     I can’t explain it, but some people just have it. Maybe it’s some kind of observance, attentiveness, maybe a right balance between agreeing and disagreeing, or maybe the ease in approaching other people. You look them straight in the eyes when speaking, and there is nothing awkward in the eye of contact you actually like to maintain. It is natural, after all, and creates the privacy in your conversation, some kind of intimacy. You are amused with their jokes, and so they are with yours. You outspeak each other. You are fascinated with their stories.You hear a compliment on your sense of humour.

      This is the “moment of suspension”. It is not yet a flirt, but not just a kind interest anymore. Sometimes when you brush shoulders with this person you could wonder if this is normal, natural, or is it….?

     “Could that be…?” question sometimes pops up in the back of your head, as you catch a meaningful look they gave you, or remember how there was something not-so-usual in they way they looked at you. It’s no longer a flat, kind, regular relationship between you two. You sense a whole second bottom, intriguing and exciting. Some could say this uncertainty is awful, wishing for it to end and ask them straightaway how do they feel. I’ve come to realize how much I enjoy this suspension. It is just in this time when even the slightest, accidental touch of their hands can send you shivers up your spine. When a prolonged look at each other while surrounded by other people can even embarrass you.

     At this point, both of you are still unsure about the other, both intrigued, not wanting to put cards on the table. Not yet, at least. The longer it lasts, the more interesting it gets.

How interest gives rise to trust, how authentic trust gives control

“The mistake ninety-nine percent of humanity made, as far as Fats could see, were being ashamed of what they were, lying about it, trying to be somebody else. Honesty was Fats’ currency, his weapon and defense. It frightened people when you were honest; it shocked them. Other people, Fats had discovered, were mired in embarrasment and pretense, terrified that their truths might leak out, but Fats was attracted by rawness, by everything that was ugly but honest, by the dirty things about which the likes of his father felt humiliated and disgusted. Fats thought a lot about messiahs and pariahs; about men labeled mad or criminal; noble misfits shunned by the sleepy masses.”  – J.K. Rowling, The Casual Vacancy

“It is the nature, and the advantage, of strong people that they can bring out the crucial questions and form a clear opinion about them” – Dietrich Bonhoeffer

           Ability to ‘extract’ the essence out of any statement, conversation or question. It requires you to see beyond the superficial level, so to dig into the core meaning, the exact place where your opinions should be formed. It all comes down to effectively paying attention and using what you’ve heard. It is the insider knowledge of the listener.

              Combined with observance, basic knowledge of body language, and some level of emotional maturity, you are armed with a perfect control tool. I may actually know exactly what you mean, but choose to pretend otherwise so to give you a free hand in deciding in which direction our conversation is going.

            This ‘control span’ ensures that you are rarely surprised in life, rather consciously exploring what constitutes the very first knot of trust and how distinctive threads are formed in the web of interpersonal relations.

                  And the first knot? You like any person who shows you some portion of attention; those who are not needy nor desperate, so when they pay attention to you, you actually know that this attention matters. It seems to be something special. They ask well-thought questions, often ask why, and often seek explanation of your choices. Seems like they have chosen you on the basis of who you are, not because they planned to become friends with just anyone.

 

How having too much to do > having nothing to do

I’m on the edge of it. I sense it. They all think I’m killing myself at this pace, but what they don’t understand is that I’m living at a peak of
clarity and beauty I never knew existed.

Every part of me is attuned to the
work. I soak it up into my pores during the day, and at night-in the moments
before I pass off into sleep-ideas explode into my head like fireworks. There
is no greater joy than the burst of solution to a problem. 

Incredible that anything could happen to take away this bubbling energy, the
zest that fills everything I do. It’s as if all the knowledge I’ve soaked in during the past months has coalesced and lifted me to a peak of light and
understanding.

This is beauty, love, and truth all rolled into one. This is joy. And now that I’ve found it, how can I give it up? Life and work are the most wonderful things a man can have. I am in love with what I am doing, because
the answer to this problem is right here in my mind, and soon – very soon – it will burst into consciousness.

Let me solve this one problem. I pray God it is the answer I want, but if not I will accept any answer at all and try to be grateful for what I had.

 

 Daniel Keyes – Flowers for Algernon

Improvisation is the confidence now.

      Sincere, straightforward, cracking jokes about themselves, escaping social dilemmas with their disarming honesty. I like to believe it’s this kind of confidence that attracts people to each other. Because no matter how stupid things you say or do, doing it in a confident way ensures their interpretation as surprising, funny. Confidence strikes right through it.

     I definitely value confident people, in lieu of that unattractive neediness and overrated modesty. I like those self-investing in themselves, constantly changing. I like how diverse they are. It’s the chameleon nature, not only adaptability. The only people that interest me are the mad ones. The ones that are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles, exploding like spiders across the stars, by Jack Kerouac.

     The madness is the change, improvisation, and the courage itself to improvise.

     Exactly those people (despite being narcissistic assholes from time to time) are, in general, so much better than those boring us to death. It’s nothing worse than spending time with boredom. Some people can constantly challenge you, sometimes overwhelm- but if you fight back, you enter the most engaging field. The very best training for your self esteem you could find. You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with, as Jim Rohn said. So, when there’s not much to be found around those never crossing any line, it’s hard to develop. Especially when they fear other people’s judgement. Do not weigh your options for too long. Start with the first step, you may just get the rush so to improvise in the process. The more you do it, the better you get at it. The better you get, the more confident you become.

     Never chase people. Chase your dreams, and people will follow. Only then you are well aware of who you are, not afraid to leave whenever you want. Tell yourself “You can always go home” (thank you, Matthew Hussey) and leave any place that you do not wish to be in. Spending time by yourself, only with your thoughts can either crush you under a “loner” heading, or leverage your maturity and boost creativity.

     Perception of a loner is created entirely by yourself, relative. What others see is your Halo Effect. Your actions and (more importantly) the way you do it is the ‘halo’ around you (thank you, Edward Thorndike, for clarifying that, now I can come to my own point). It’s in the way you do it. The message you send by eating by yourself, sitting alone at a table, spending your time in solitude can be just anything, so make it good. Be confident about it.

 Also, in regard for fake it till you make it (thank you, Amy Cuddy), this is just where your confidence is born.